Breathe Page 3

  In our moment of silence my mind drifts back to Marcus, I can see a bit of Justin in him – protective but hiding something, I don’t think I got to hear all his story last night. I think if things weren’t as fucked up as they are… maybe… maybe I would have liked to know more about him.

  I wished deep down he could have saved me when I needed it the most…. but not now, not when things are too dangerous.

  I can’t have a hero.

  As much as I want him to be.

  Curled up on the couch in my sweatpants and vest top, I listen as Justin gives his orders over the phone to security at the club. He emailed the picture over to them earlier, more security and staff are starting tomorrow – Justin insisted on staying home with me but I told him one of us needs to be there to make sure the place is fine, and seems as I’m on lockdown he has to go.

  Walking off into the kitchen, I grab the tub of ice cream out of the freezer and a spoon. ‘So, this is my life? Ice-cream, sweatpants, and trashy movies.’ I let out a sigh.

  Justin rushes in the room, searching around for something. “You see my keys anywhere?”

  I point over to the table right next to him, laughing.

  “Thanks sis.” He rushes over, kissing me on the forehead. “Are you sure you’re going to be ok on your own tonight?”

  “Yes! I’ll be fine.” I give him a small smile. “I’m going to stuff my face with this ice cream and then crash, anyway.”

  “Ok, well ring me if you need, I’ll check in on you soon. And keep the doors locked and….”

  I cut him off. “Yes, I know Justin, keep the windows and doors locked. Don’t answer the door to anyone.” I roll my eyes at him. “We have been over this already.”

  He looks at me frustrated, letting out a deep breath. “Fine, I’ll speak to you later.”

  He walks off, slamming the door shut behind him.

  Flicking through the TV channels, I throw the remote on the other end of the couch, giving up trying to find something to watch. Jumping to my feet, I put the half-eaten Ice-cream back in the freezer and make my way into the bathroom and run a bath.

  Standing in front of the mirror I stare at my reflection, the bags under my eyes weighing heavy, I pull my hair into a ponytail, step out of my lounge clothes, swapping them for my big furry robe.

  I sit on the edge of the bath watching the hot water fill the tub, grabbing my favourite jasmine bubble bath I take the lid off and inhale the relaxing scent a moment before pouring it under the running tap.

  Leaving the bath to fill up I make my way down the hall to my room to grab some pj’s, standing in the middle of my room I feel a sense of safety in the silence. It’s strange I know, but when you're alone, when the only thing you can hear is your own heart beating, it kind of brings me peace. I can feel its calm rhythm beating against my chest, I can hear my breathing steady and slow.

  I laugh to myself rummaging through my drawers for my favourite shorts; I don’t think there is a girl alive that doesn’t have that one item of clothing that just makes you feel better, yet a few years ago I didn’t even think about such an insignificant thing. I didn’t care about that feeling of freshly washed bedding on the bed or the feeling of climbing into a hot bubble bath.

  The very first night I spent here, Justin made the bed up for me and ran me a bath; it felt like the biggest thing in the world. You don’t realise how much you miss those little things until you have no choice in them. You don’t miss a cup of warm coffee until you have to ask to have one.

  All the painful memories I tried so hard to push aside and hide now surface, uncovering all the old scars I covered up so well. It’s like being stripped down bare for all to see - except I’m the only one in the room. I sit on the edge of the bed holding the shorts close to my chest, trying to dig deep for a little piece of comfort, searching for a tiny thread of normality, but nothing is normal about me, it hasn’t been for a long time. Nothing about my life has been easy or fair for that matter.

  Shaking myself out of the mood, I make my way back to the bathroom and turn the bath off, bubbles almost over-flowing out of the tub. I flinch for a moment as I climb in and the water instantly scalds my legs, leaving them red and tingling.

  Lying back, I rest my head on a towel and let the water wash away my sins.

  Closing my eyes, I smile at the vision I see; I know I shouldn’t think about him…I need to switch off any kind of feeling I have for him – however small they are.

  No matter how intense or deep they are, I shouldn’t be picturing his face right now, staring into my eyes with his. I wish things could be different, wish that we could’ve met on a different night, in a different way. Maybe then I wouldn’t have needed to sneak away, I wouldn’t need his comfort the way I do. I was stupid to almost put another person in danger for my own safety! In the heat of the moment, fear driven rush of adrenaline, I didn’t stop to think about what could have happened, what would have happened if Drake had followed us.

  I knew the risks but Marcus didn’t; he was just a saviour at the right time; he doesn’t need to know the kind of trouble that follows me – he spent a long-time studying predators I don’t need him involved anymore.

  I pull my body under the water letting it surround me completely, closing my eyes once more I pretend I’m floating in the deep ocean, just like in the pictures on his wall, holding my breath for as long as I can, hoping to see beauty when I open my eyes. I let my arms float by my side, my legs lifting, they feel so lightweight.

  The moment I begin to feel any kind of freeness a hand always pushes me back; it pushes hard against my chest till I touch the bottom of the bath - back to darkness. I begin to panic as the hand won’t let me have the air I so desperately need. I throw my arms out of the water, grabbing the side I try to push hard against the hand holding me under. I manage a quick gust of air before sinking back under….my heart stops when I see his face smiling over me as his hand pushes hard against my chest, keeping me there. I struggle against the weight, fighting hard to wriggle free from the hold, the breath leaving my lips fast, bubbles bursting to the surface, my nostrils fill with water and my eyes sting.

  I can’t hold on much longer, I try once more to pull myself up against his hold, this time I don’t go back under, I feel the weight lifted off my chest.

  Standing up in the bath I panic as my eyes search the room for the dark figure, I know so well…

  Nobody…

  The room is empty bar for me, now standing in the bath shaking with fear.

  I take a deep breath and grab my robe, pulling it round me as I push my hair back off my face and lean against the sink for support.

  Tears begin to fall; I place my hand over my mouth…. even in my moments alone, I can’t escape him.

  I won’t ever be free from him.

  He left a permanent mark on my soul I won’t ever be free from.

  I drop to the floor, pulling my knees close to my chest and let the tears I held back run free.

  6 years earlier.

  It was early autumn when we first met; the leaves had just started turning all the gold and brown I loved so much. We met in the park; I was 17; he was older than me, intense and dark, but I liked that about him. Every girl wants a guy with his own club and house, don’t they? To feel wanted…no needed by an older guy.

  He possessed me right from the start.

  He was my first and at the time I thought my everything; I had nothing to compare him to- no gentle touch to measure against his rough hands. No sudden moment of intense, earth shaking pleasure to match against his quick shag on the floor of his bedroom. I didn’t know the difference back then.

  He just left me hungry for more.

  Claiming me.

  Marking me from the moment his skin touched mine.

  It was hot from the start; I craved him when he wasn’t near me and couldn’t get enough of him when he was. Looking back now that’s not the way a 17-year-old girl should look at a person, it’s fucked up to thin
k about how much I needed him, he gave me my first sense of freedom.

  He would sit and listen to me sing, telling me that one day I would be on the big stage with a band behind me, claiming the world for my own.

  I changed inside.

  I stopped trusting the people that really cared about me.

  Shut them out of my life and turned them against myself.

  I broke my family in two.

  Until one day he offered me a way out of my dull, child -like life, he gave me a way to be the grown-up I so badly craved. Have you ever been so in love that you would turn your back on everything you knew? Been so clouded by another person that they were all that mattered?

  That’s what happened. He twisted my happy, close family life into controlling parents that didn’t want me to live my life.

  He made me believe I was better off with him, that he was the only person that really loved me. The only one that would let me live my dreams.

  So, one day, I packed my bag and left the house…. running into the arms of a monster, clouded by his lies and charm. I didn’t see the trouble I was in…. the danger I was running to.

  Present day.

  I pull myself out of bed, dragging my feet along to the kitchen. I’ve become a shadow in the past three days, hiding out in the stupid flat with only Justin as my contact to the outside world. Drake hasn’t been back to the club at all. I’m starting to doubt he ever was – maybe just my imagination playing tricks on me again. The fear keeping me locked up like a scared little girl, the way Drake always wanted me, scared and miserable.

  I never told Justin – or anyone for that matter just how bad it had got, never speaking about the things he did.

  I can’t.

  The shame I feel from those moments haunts my sleep.

  A tear trickles down my cheek at how stupid I was, the fact I was so in love with him I thought those things were normal, I never wanted to upset him or turn him away from me…but over time I did turn him away. I was finding my voice and fighting against the normal, and he didn’t like it; said I was getting too vocal for my own good.

  “Morning.” Justin wakes me from my daydream, making me jump out my skin… the hairs on my arms raised.

  I turn around, handing him a coffee. “Morning.” I put a fake smile on. “How was work last night?”

  “No sleep again?” He looks at me with a sympathy in his eyes. Justin is 5 years older than me, growing up it was us against the world; it didn’t matter I was younger, he loved me regardless, until I turned against him too.

  I take a sip of my coffee, shaking my head. Fighting the tears back, holding tight to the fear.

  He places the cup on the counter, I know he is worried but also angry, the moment I turned up on his doorstep 2 years ago he tried to get the police involved but I wouldn’t let him, I was black and blue, lonely and broken. He took me in and nursed me through the many nights I cried.

  He screamed and shouting at me day after day to bring the asshole down – collapse his tiny empire, but I wouldn’t let him.

  Up till now, Drake had no idea where I was or who I was with. He had no idea that Justin had left home and moved to London. No clue that I would go running back to my family…. As far as Drake knew I had no one and ran away to Scotland.

  “You know what I want you to do, Evvie!” his arms crossed firmly across his check. “I told you time and time again to go to the police!”

  “NO!” I slam my cup down on the counter, the coffee flying out the cup and all over my hand. “I told you! No police… look. He probably wasn’t even in the club the other night. Probably just my imagination again.” I grab the towel and wipe my hand. “Just drop it, Justin.”

  “If that’s the case, why are you hiding out here?” He pauses for a moment. “Why haven’t you been out this place since….”

  He was right if there is nothing to worry about why am I hiding away? The reality is fucked up, I’m afraid to face the fact he could be out there, but deep down I’m just as afraid he isn’t – What if I’m hiding away living half a life and there is no danger?

  I watch Justin walk off down the hall to his room, the door slamming behind him. I let out a sorrowful sigh.

  I’ve spent two years keeping myself safe, always staying in the shadows.

  Turning every man down that tried his luck – to be honest the only ones that ever did try their luck were dicks anyway, well all except Marcus but even he was a dick to start with. Turned out to be the only one to take my hand and show me safety.

  I live in my brother's back pocket, working in his club, living in his flat – I have nothing that belongs to me, I’m living in my past, if Drake was out there hunting me; he would have caught me while he had the chance! He would have snatched me from the club while he has me in his sights, I know him better than anyone and waiting in the dark is not his style.

  I push off against the counter, storming round the living room looking for my phone, sitting on the sofa with shaky hands I scroll the internet for flats, I know they are expensive in this area and Justin won’t want me to leave but if I get one cheap out of the area but still close enough for work and Justin, then I can make us both happy.

  Finding one, I submit my details online for a viewing and rush to the bedroom to get dressed. Justin is right if there is nothing to worry about why am I hiding out in the flat?

  After fixing my hair in the mirror I write him a note and grab my jacket, heading out the door I take a deep breath, both fear and excitement flutter round my stomach like they are fighting each other to see who wins.

  My palms are sweating as I wait for the lift to come down, checking my phone to take my mind off the anxiety that’s setting in, the bell from the lift making me jump.

  I stop at the front door, holding on to the handle a moment, taking a deep breath before I push it open, the cold air biting my cheeks instantly. It’s only been three days, but it feels like I haven’t been outside in so much longer.

  I walk down the street to the bakery, staying alert of the people around me along the way, the cars that pulled up, the people rushing round; phones glued to their ears. I slowly stroll along observing them all, looking over my shoulder every so often.

  After paying for my bread and pastries, I take a walk across the road to the park. Tall trees surround the area, dogs running around off their leads – running free. I love the feel of the fallen leaves under my feet, this is my favourite time of year, the smells, and colours. I smile listening to the crumbling leaves, kicking them as I walk slowly in a daydream.

  I take a seat at the nearest bench, pulling my croissant out of the paper bag, stretching my feet out before I relax and take in the surroundings.

  What was I so worried about? I ask myself, as I think back to the night with Marcus… I feel so guilty, he cared about me, looked after me and then I just ran out the next morning with nothing, but a note telling him I can’t see him again and not to look for me.

  We had chemistry, the feel of his touch…so gentle and caring. He intrigues me.

  He came across as arrogant and cocky at first, but I got the feeling that was just for show. There was another side to him, something sweet and passionate. The way he spoke about his life, he loved to live, and you don’t get people like that.

  I breathe a heavy sigh, once again I’m punishing myself, restricting myself of any kind of normal life, even just for a night…

  Would he want to be with someone like me?

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, stealing my attention away from him for a moment.

  It’s a message from the letting agency informing me the flat had been rented out an hour before I contacted them, but they have another flat that will be available in a month. She states I’m top of the waiting list. Smiling at my phone, I can feel my life starting again, finally. Yeah, I’m gutted the flat isn’t available but at least I’m stepping in the right direction, it’s a start I guess.

  Now I just need to tell my brother that I’m looking
for my own place.

  Justin is pacing the room back and forth, he is pissed at me and won’t listen to anything I say, after making my way back to the flat I told him I wanted to find a place of my own but apparently 24 years old isn’t grown up enough to handle the responsibility.

  He is still treating me like a child and it’s pissing me off.

  “Justin, will you just listen?” I stand up from the sofa and walk to the kitchen to grab us both a beer. “You were right earlier… If there is no danger out there, why I am still hiding out here?”

  “That’s not what I meant, and you know it, Evvie! Don’t turn my own words against me.” He grabs the bottle off me and slumps down on the sofa.

  I sit on the chair opposite him, silently at first. I don’t want to fight with him anymore. “I will be ok you know Justin.”

  “How do you know that for sure? Four nights ago, you thought he was in our club and you ran! Disappeared with a stranger might I add!” He leans forward shaking his head at me. “I was so worried about you… I really thought you had gone again. That’s the problem Evvie, I couldn’t protect you… couldn’t stop you from going…. Fuck.”

  He’s up on his feet again, brushing his fingers through his hair. I know I hurt him… I know deep down he is right to worry. The years I was gone took their strain on him and stopped him from having a life – he should be married now, with kids not stuck in the little flat babysitting his little sister.

  “I thought I had lost you forever Evvie and I’m so scared that if you’re not here… I can’t help you… and what about the Crow?”

  I look at my worn out brother for a moment, the bags under his eyes from late nights at the club, late nights I should have been there too, he made me a partner in the business last year, we share the responsibility but right now he is carrying all the strain.